The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
