he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
