put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
