You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
