i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You had me at "let me see your balls"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
