How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
