I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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