He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
