i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
