The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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