He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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