I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize