I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
