Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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