i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
there is glitter all over my balls
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