You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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