I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
