Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
