I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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