i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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