I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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