It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
