If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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