i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize
