Do you still have your period?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize