Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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