I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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