You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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