so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
