remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
