I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
