our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
