I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
