Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
