so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
