Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
