A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
