She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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