This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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