I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize