do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
