then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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