I can't watch pbs sober anymore
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
