so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
