the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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