My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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