I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
