Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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