You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
