can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
