I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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