hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
