you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize