I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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